Escaping the anthill

I was driving to a job interview today. I got stuck in traffic. I looked over the highway, daydreaming at others stuck as well, wondering…looking out to a sea of cars impatiently waiting to feed the corporate fiends at the top of the food chain. Then I realize, we are like ants…all of us. Slaves to the anthill of society. While those at the top are relaxing, those at the base work harder and harder, expanding their empire, making the base thicker, so the VVIP section at the top, the thin peak, can get higher and higher. And I wonder if anyone else has thought of this. I look on in disgust as people are apathetic to this truth. So submissive. I turned around and went home.

I went to a club. For fun. For a girlfriend. For a drink. Its fine until I look up. It gud until I hav a viewpoint and can see everyone, laughing, drinking, interacting, and do you know what I see? More ants, thinking they are off duty, but they are never off duty. Conformists packed together. I feel that disgust run down my spine. But I don’t leave. I get a drink, then another, then another. I feel my world become sane again. I drive home drunk. I go to sleep. I am at peace.

I am lost. Depressed. Looking for meaning more than becoming another ant. I wish to rebel. But doing so will lead to poverty, leading to conformity. I go to the people that are romoured to be free. Not those friends that say they are free to justify their whorish behavior. Not those girl friends we have that believe they are freespirits and prove it by being sluts. Not those who rebel and take a road to nothingness just because they wish to resist being different. The real ones, the ones who made a difference, the ones who died for their beliefs. And the ones I hate. I went to a hippie colony. I saw them, being “free”, smoking up to reach a level of happiness, dancing around a fire, hiding behind bushes. Some not hiding a all. And they too are ants. But not the corporate kind. Their own kind. I  saw this when the girl in tie dye took a drag and wore a grin. They are their own brand, with not peole that they “worship”, but a plant. They do not conform but to their own conformity. Even as I sit and observe, passing the weed on, not taking it in, not submitting to invitations behind the bushes, I didn’t come here for pleasure, but for truth. I notice there here too is a hierarchy. They are ants.

I go home, disturbed. I have some brownies and a bag of “fun”. I get home and eat the brownies. I get into bed and fire up the fun, carefully spraying aerosol after every puff. Soon enough I’ll be playing with it, giggling like a little girl. But now I remain concerned about my individuality. Before I fall asleep, in my state of false euphoria, I am at peace.

I go with a friend to a club again, fighting my overactive mind. My friend gets into trouble. I challenge to troublemaker to a fight. We go outside. The fight begins, and so does my mind. Why do ants fight each other? The hit comes. I’m so involved I’m my world, that I ignore his. His fist makes contact. I stop thinking. In this time of pain, adrenaline, self-destruction…I am at peace.

I look past this week. I look at the world. I concur we are all ants. We are in a society where the ice berg rules all. Where the real ice berg is ¾ under the freezing water, fighting to breathe the air…drowning. While the other ¼ is comfortably perched above the sub-zero temperatures, carelessly balancing on the heads of its slaves. And it deceives those who havnt been sucked in to join it. Deceiving it with promises of rising to the top. Even the titanic was attracted. And was destroyed for its greed.

I find myself stuck. I find myself lost. The only way to carry on living somewhat comfortably is to become an ant. Sacrificing my individuality. However to be free, I find it necessary to indulge in destructive…self-destructive activity, so I may feel at peace. But in sharing this I have discovered a new truth. Writing allows me to retain my individuality, and could allow me to make money. Even as I finish this thought…I feel at peace.